In Loving Memory Of Aiyanna Nicole Tellis-Perkins ♡

Transparency is something that I suffer with. I have a hard time finding a space between sharing enough and sharing too much. I am finding, as I am becoming into myself, that sharing is a form of expression. Finding ways to express myself has always been an outlet for me every since I was a child. So with that being said I thought that I would take a step forward into being transparent and express myself. It's not healthy to hurt all alone and it's not fair to not be open to the people that support me and look for me to post to my blog. Since this is a lifestyle blog, lets take a step into my life.

That day in February I will never forget, and the pain felt from losing you is one hard pill to swallow. We hate that you had to be our reminder that life is short. Its funny how in death you realize that you're not really living. I find myself everyday evaluating my life and making sure I am happy with myself just incase I am not greeted in the morning with The Lord's sunlight. My thoughts are constantly of you and my dreams play our memories together.

Literally everyday I want to break down and cry when I see your name on my Facebook feed but I calm myself down remembering two things, our first day of auditions for band and the two dreams I had with you in them after you passed.

Some of you might not know but when I was in high school I was an auxiliary member of E.E. Smith's Auxiliary. It had been a childhood dream of mine and my sophomore year it became a reality. Nervous was an understatement, I didn't know anyone and I was there all by myself. So after auditions I was standing outside the band room by myself just waiting for my mom to come and get me then Aiyanna, Christa, and Sheila came up to me and said, "Hey cousin!" I had no idea who they were so I just looked in confusion and said hello. They asked me if I remembered them and told me they were PoohBear's cousin (my dad). I remember Yanna saying to me, "You don't remember me, I'm your cousin we went to Pre-K together?" I started to feel kinda bad and said no. Even still she was just so happy and pleasant even though for the life of me I could not remember who she was. She told me, "Well my birthday is in a few weeks you have to come to my party so I can introduce you to my friends" and gave me her number.

I was so shy, maybe on the outside looking in, not very friendly and receptive, but despite that she still was always so nice to me and made me feel like I had a friend when I was feeling so lonely. Even though I couldn't remember who she was at first she just made me feel safe in a way that I didn't have to do it alone. I was so grateful for her, I still am.

After she passed I had a really hard time dealing with it and had an even harder time sleeping at night. One night in particular as I was closing my eyes I saw her face, so happy and cheerful waving at me. It scared me so I opened my eyes but every time I would close them I saw her face again. This was really significant to me because when my Grandmother Rosie passed, when I was 9 years old, the same thing happened to me. I had a dream of her sitting on my window seal smiling and waving at me. I guess it was God's way of telling me that they were okay, and that they were with him. I felt scared because I saw her so vividly but also happy because I knew she was okay and I got to see her.

The day before her funeral I was a complete and utter mess. I couldn't fall asleep and I had been awake for going on 2 or 3 days because I just didn't want that day to come. In my mind the faster I went to sleep, the sooner that dreaded day would come. Also I knew I was going to have another dream about her, it was one of those gut feelings that I couldn't shake. So when I finally did go to sleep I had a dream.

I was inside this beautiful southern style house walking down this hallway. As I'm walking it felt like an angel was walking with me helping me be prepared for what was about to happen. Walking to the front door I could see through the screen door this all white, grand looking porch and in the background it was nothing but light, almost as if the house itself was floating in the clouds. When I opened the screen door and looked at the porch I see Sheila taking pictures of Aiyanna and Charles. She was dressed in her wedding dress and Charles was in a tux. They looked so happy it was just beautiful. Never have I seen so much love and happiness the way they looked into each others eyes that I started to cry. They looked at me and gave me and Yanna a moment alone, she hugged me and it felt so real that I cried more. She looked at me right in my eyes as she held my hands and said, "I'm okay. I'm happy and I lived a fulfilling life. I got to experience love and marry the man of my dreams. My life was full don't worry about me. I love you." She then backed up and I woke up right before it was time for me to get up for the funeral. The night before I had so many thoughts in my head, I was sad, angry, hurt, and just not content. That morning I woke up feeling content knowing that not only was she with God that she enjoyed her life while she was here.

I just thank God that he allowed me to have that wonderful dream about her and whenever I feel like breaking down I just think back on those moments and find my contentment again. Since you passed I have really been trying to live a full life and follow the example to which you lived your life. You have been an inspiration to so many people. We love and miss you Yanna, we'll be seeing you in Heaven one day.

Love,
Lai #LongLiveYanna

*If you'd like to share a similar story with me you can email me at HeyAskLai@gmail.com